SCANDAL AT WESTBORO BAPTIST CHURCH!
The family of Bill and Phyllis was like your typical Westoboro baptist church family. They had rigid biblical rules, strict punishment, and many hate filled messages. Every aspect of their home life was in some way related to the bible and how god hates them for their sins. For their 16 year old son Moses, who was somehow and attractive tall teenager with bright blue eyes and dark brown hair, it was hell on earth. Many outsiders heard of rumors that the church was too inbred, and that they kidnapped an moses from a normal family since it was obvious that he did not fit in. You see Moses knew he did not fit and had been hiding a secret for a couple years now that he knew would cause him to be thrown out of his house. He sat and thought about his life and what he should do about his situation many times. Often his mother would say that his long spells of free thought were him thinking of sinful things and would immediately punish him for it. Leading up to his 17th birthday Moses was once again caught contemplating his life trying to find some direction. His mother, fed up of all his nonsense, decided to take to the movie “Carrie” for inspiration on how to deal with her son’s devious behavior. She constructed a prayer closet and immediately threw him in it. Tired of his mother’s intolerance he shouts to her that she cant control him and that no amount of praying is going to change his mind. Completely stunned by her child's ability to think on his own she decides to start singing hymns in an effort to calm him down. As he rages on he accidentally announced that he was in a relationship with a man named Longines and that he felt they were meant to be together. What happened as a result was the most predictable thing that anyone could have ever imagined.
After the terrifying announcement, his mother ran and held on to her husband Bill. Crying hysterically, she proclaimed that her son had been possessed by the devil himself. Bill immediately sought to the head pastor of the church, Fred Phelps, for advice on how to handle this possession. Fred gave an immediate answer that Moses should forever be banned from the church and that Bill needed to throw Moses out of the house. Bill did just as Fred told him to. He gave Moses a car and told him he had 30 seconds to be far away from his property or he would begin shooting. Moses, who was in shock that his parents could do such a thing to him, got in his car and began looking for his boyfriend Logines. Bill and Phyllis sat on their porch feeling no regrets about their decision and began planning a way to keep this from coming out to the rest of the church. Unfortunately the good pastor Fred decided that this was a matter that needed to be handled by the whole congregation since (according to him) the devil was able to come so close to their sanctuary. The church was outraged that Bill and Phyllis allowed such evil entities to enter their home and demanded an immediate cleansing. The church marched down to their house and began performing a ritual to clean the home of evil spirits. The ritual began by giving both Bill and Phyllis 40 lashes as punishment for having a child openly defy god. Next they placed them in the house and began singing hymns while pouring gasoline all along the perimeter of the house. After this was complete, Fred announced that god had spoke to him and said that they shall light the perimeter on fire and allow god to decide whether they should be allowed to live or not. As they lit the fire, Bill and Phyllis saw that there was probably no hope for them and decided to shoot themselves, knowing that they were going to hell anyway. Subsequently the house burst into flames and anything that was linked to the family of Phyllis and Bill was lost in flames. Many of their neighbors who were not members of the church asked why the authorities and firemen did not show up. The true power of the Westboro baptist church came to light as the answer was revealed. The church had already formed a course of action for something like this happening. They had a few of their members picketing outside of both the police station and fire station making sure that they were distracted. All the land lines were cut to the houses near members of the church and reserves of gasoline were created for the purpose of destroying a sinners home. The Westboro baptist church was a force to be reckoned with.
After hours of searching, Moses finally runs into Longines at a Brahms and quickly runs in to start explaining what had just happened. Longines listened for all of 3 seconds before cutting Moses off to tell him that their relationship was over. Moses was stunned and on the verge of passing out from all the heartbreak. Longines continued on to explain that he was just too conservative for him. While Moses was obviously open minded for having a relationship with a man, he did not put out easily enough for Longines and this just wasn't working for him. Longines also explained that he was not ready for someone to move in with him and that he just wanted a relationship that was all fun and no work. Seeing that Moses was balling his eyes out, Longines reassured him that he had moved on and successfully and that he was already in a relationship with a prostitute names Joax. (He spelled it this way so that nobody would know his real name…Joe….even though you say them the exact same way). To make matters even worse Longines was a Brahms with Joax and Moses had just walked in on them having a date. The struggle was beyond real for Moses, who had finally reached his limit and passed out of the floor from all the emotions. Naturally, Longines just left him there as he his far too fabulous to even concern himself with Moses’ well being.
Back at the burnt down house the members of the church were becoming extremely rowdy. They were screaming at the top of their lungs about how they hated gay people and how god hated the world. They placed picket signed in the remains of the burnt down house but this failed to do anything as they caught of fire from the heat that still radiated from the ashes. Fred who was extremely bitter got on a soap box and began preaching right at the sight of the exorcism. Fred was a weak a feeble man without many years left on him. As he tried to get his message across the excitement came over him and he had a heart attack. He plummeted to the ground landing face first on concrete. They congregation was hysterical that he good lord up above took away their precious earthly leader. Since they were already out and about they decided to have his funeral right there. They build a casket out of the siding from other people’s houses and tossed it into the the rubble of the burnt house once why ceremony was done. The Westoboro baptist church liked to keep it classy.
As Moses gained conciseness he realized that someone had placed him in the trash can behind the restaurant. He assessed his situation, realizing that he had nobody on his side and nowhere to go. He sat in the trash for about three and half days depressed before it turned into anger and decided to do something. Moses remembered that when he first started dating Longies, he obtained a security box at the bank that contained dirty secrets about everyone in the church. He immediately crawled out of the dumpster and got to his car. He sped to the bank and once there, he found the perfect material to use for the destruction of the church…a sex tape. This was a sex tape showing Fred having relations with Gretchen a ninety year old latino hooker, and a member of the church named Martha. After Moses saw how devastating it would be he went to the church, tapped into the projector feed, and played during the church’s wednesday night service. Once it began playing, he got back into his car a fled to San Francisco to start a new life. As the tape played, every member of the church felt absolute terror as they saw their deceased paster make love to two women simultaneously, with neither of them being his wife. Martha, who was in the church when it started playing, instantly ran out in shame but was unfortunately hit by a car and died instantly. Bertha the widow of Fred, was devastated and burst into tears. She thought to herself how much of fool she was for trusting Martha and believing the bullshit that came out of Fred’s mouth. Martha’s husband Bob was also in complete shock by the actions of his beloved pastor and wife. However, he did not feel sad in the slightest. The only emotion he had were embarrassment and rage. He was not about to humiliated by the actions of his wife and quickly left the service with his son Adam, who had fallen asleep and was completely unaware of what had just been revealed about his pastor and mother. The rest of the church congregation either covered their eyes or did what they could to stop the video feed. It took them a good twenty minutes to find the source, and by that time they sex tape had finished. The church was silent following the conclusion of the video an nobody was really sure what to do. Should they pray? Or had everything they believed been a complete lie made up by their heathen pastor? Should they go to comfort Bertha and Bob since they just found out their spouses were unfaithful? They decided that the best option was to picket at their homes with signs that read “god hates martha” and “god killed fred”. It was the saddest arts and crafts day in the history of Westoboro. As they started constructing their signs however Bob walked back into the church service with a gun and began to shoot. He killed everyone except his son Adam who was cowering behind him. He was not aware, however, that one of the bullets went through the wall and poked hole in the church’s gas reserves. Conveniently placed right next to the furnace, the gas leaked enough to ignite and blew up the whole church. Both Adam and Bob died instantly.
As word spread about the destruction of the Westboro baptist church a sense of peace swept the nation. Many people felt as if the world became a little brighter and that a large amount of hate had left the world. All was well. Moses met a human rights campaign activist named Tom and the two lived happily ever after. The Kansas economy collapsed since the Westboro baptist church was not their to buy lots of poster board and markers to make their signs. The federal government was not about to try to fix the economy so they forced Kansas to succeed and blew it up.
The end.
The family of Bill and Phyllis was like your typical Westoboro baptist church family. They had rigid biblical rules, strict punishment, and many hate filled messages. Every aspect of their home life was in some way related to the bible and how god hates them for their sins. For their 16 year old son Moses, who was somehow and attractive tall teenager with bright blue eyes and dark brown hair, it was hell on earth. Many outsiders heard of rumors that the church was too inbred, and that they kidnapped an moses from a normal family since it was obvious that he did not fit in. You see Moses knew he did not fit and had been hiding a secret for a couple years now that he knew would cause him to be thrown out of his house. He sat and thought about his life and what he should do about his situation many times. Often his mother would say that his long spells of free thought were him thinking of sinful things and would immediately punish him for it. Leading up to his 17th birthday Moses was once again caught contemplating his life trying to find some direction. His mother, fed up of all his nonsense, decided to take to the movie “Carrie” for inspiration on how to deal with her son’s devious behavior. She constructed a prayer closet and immediately threw him in it. Tired of his mother’s intolerance he shouts to her that she cant control him and that no amount of praying is going to change his mind. Completely stunned by her child's ability to think on his own she decides to start singing hymns in an effort to calm him down. As he rages on he accidentally announced that he was in a relationship with a man named Longines and that he felt they were meant to be together. What happened as a result was the most predictable thing that anyone could have ever imagined.
After the terrifying announcement, his mother ran and held on to her husband Bill. Crying hysterically, she proclaimed that her son had been possessed by the devil himself. Bill immediately sought to the head pastor of the church, Fred Phelps, for advice on how to handle this possession. Fred gave an immediate answer that Moses should forever be banned from the church and that Bill needed to throw Moses out of the house. Bill did just as Fred told him to. He gave Moses a car and told him he had 30 seconds to be far away from his property or he would begin shooting. Moses, who was in shock that his parents could do such a thing to him, got in his car and began looking for his boyfriend Logines. Bill and Phyllis sat on their porch feeling no regrets about their decision and began planning a way to keep this from coming out to the rest of the church. Unfortunately the good pastor Fred decided that this was a matter that needed to be handled by the whole congregation since (according to him) the devil was able to come so close to their sanctuary. The church was outraged that Bill and Phyllis allowed such evil entities to enter their home and demanded an immediate cleansing. The church marched down to their house and began performing a ritual to clean the home of evil spirits. The ritual began by giving both Bill and Phyllis 40 lashes as punishment for having a child openly defy god. Next they placed them in the house and began singing hymns while pouring gasoline all along the perimeter of the house. After this was complete, Fred announced that god had spoke to him and said that they shall light the perimeter on fire and allow god to decide whether they should be allowed to live or not. As they lit the fire, Bill and Phyllis saw that there was probably no hope for them and decided to shoot themselves, knowing that they were going to hell anyway. Subsequently the house burst into flames and anything that was linked to the family of Phyllis and Bill was lost in flames. Many of their neighbors who were not members of the church asked why the authorities and firemen did not show up. The true power of the Westboro baptist church came to light as the answer was revealed. The church had already formed a course of action for something like this happening. They had a few of their members picketing outside of both the police station and fire station making sure that they were distracted. All the land lines were cut to the houses near members of the church and reserves of gasoline were created for the purpose of destroying a sinners home. The Westboro baptist church was a force to be reckoned with.
After hours of searching, Moses finally runs into Longines at a Brahms and quickly runs in to start explaining what had just happened. Longines listened for all of 3 seconds before cutting Moses off to tell him that their relationship was over. Moses was stunned and on the verge of passing out from all the heartbreak. Longines continued on to explain that he was just too conservative for him. While Moses was obviously open minded for having a relationship with a man, he did not put out easily enough for Longines and this just wasn't working for him. Longines also explained that he was not ready for someone to move in with him and that he just wanted a relationship that was all fun and no work. Seeing that Moses was balling his eyes out, Longines reassured him that he had moved on and successfully and that he was already in a relationship with a prostitute names Joax. (He spelled it this way so that nobody would know his real name…Joe….even though you say them the exact same way). To make matters even worse Longines was a Brahms with Joax and Moses had just walked in on them having a date. The struggle was beyond real for Moses, who had finally reached his limit and passed out of the floor from all the emotions. Naturally, Longines just left him there as he his far too fabulous to even concern himself with Moses’ well being.
Back at the burnt down house the members of the church were becoming extremely rowdy. They were screaming at the top of their lungs about how they hated gay people and how god hated the world. They placed picket signed in the remains of the burnt down house but this failed to do anything as they caught of fire from the heat that still radiated from the ashes. Fred who was extremely bitter got on a soap box and began preaching right at the sight of the exorcism. Fred was a weak a feeble man without many years left on him. As he tried to get his message across the excitement came over him and he had a heart attack. He plummeted to the ground landing face first on concrete. They congregation was hysterical that he good lord up above took away their precious earthly leader. Since they were already out and about they decided to have his funeral right there. They build a casket out of the siding from other people’s houses and tossed it into the the rubble of the burnt house once why ceremony was done. The Westoboro baptist church liked to keep it classy.
As Moses gained conciseness he realized that someone had placed him in the trash can behind the restaurant. He assessed his situation, realizing that he had nobody on his side and nowhere to go. He sat in the trash for about three and half days depressed before it turned into anger and decided to do something. Moses remembered that when he first started dating Longies, he obtained a security box at the bank that contained dirty secrets about everyone in the church. He immediately crawled out of the dumpster and got to his car. He sped to the bank and once there, he found the perfect material to use for the destruction of the church…a sex tape. This was a sex tape showing Fred having relations with Gretchen a ninety year old latino hooker, and a member of the church named Martha. After Moses saw how devastating it would be he went to the church, tapped into the projector feed, and played during the church’s wednesday night service. Once it began playing, he got back into his car a fled to San Francisco to start a new life. As the tape played, every member of the church felt absolute terror as they saw their deceased paster make love to two women simultaneously, with neither of them being his wife. Martha, who was in the church when it started playing, instantly ran out in shame but was unfortunately hit by a car and died instantly. Bertha the widow of Fred, was devastated and burst into tears. She thought to herself how much of fool she was for trusting Martha and believing the bullshit that came out of Fred’s mouth. Martha’s husband Bob was also in complete shock by the actions of his beloved pastor and wife. However, he did not feel sad in the slightest. The only emotion he had were embarrassment and rage. He was not about to humiliated by the actions of his wife and quickly left the service with his son Adam, who had fallen asleep and was completely unaware of what had just been revealed about his pastor and mother. The rest of the church congregation either covered their eyes or did what they could to stop the video feed. It took them a good twenty minutes to find the source, and by that time they sex tape had finished. The church was silent following the conclusion of the video an nobody was really sure what to do. Should they pray? Or had everything they believed been a complete lie made up by their heathen pastor? Should they go to comfort Bertha and Bob since they just found out their spouses were unfaithful? They decided that the best option was to picket at their homes with signs that read “god hates martha” and “god killed fred”. It was the saddest arts and crafts day in the history of Westoboro. As they started constructing their signs however Bob walked back into the church service with a gun and began to shoot. He killed everyone except his son Adam who was cowering behind him. He was not aware, however, that one of the bullets went through the wall and poked hole in the church’s gas reserves. Conveniently placed right next to the furnace, the gas leaked enough to ignite and blew up the whole church. Both Adam and Bob died instantly.
As word spread about the destruction of the Westboro baptist church a sense of peace swept the nation. Many people felt as if the world became a little brighter and that a large amount of hate had left the world. All was well. Moses met a human rights campaign activist named Tom and the two lived happily ever after. The Kansas economy collapsed since the Westboro baptist church was not their to buy lots of poster board and markers to make their signs. The federal government was not about to try to fix the economy so they forced Kansas to succeed and blew it up.
The end.
6 Years Wasted
Personal Narrative
Everyday something else was wrong about me in her eyes. These “errors” in my personality were always little without a huge production being made out of them, but they were indeed always pointed out. Some saw this as a healthy part of out friendship in that we were being coming better more refined people…except for the fact that I was the only one being “refined”. It took me six entire years to fully realize just how poorly I was being treated and to make changes in my life. here is the story leading up to that.
Six grade was an exciting year for me and I would imagine everyone else making the transition from elementary school to middle school. However, the friends you once had were no longer interesting to you and most naturally expanded their horizons to meet new people. For the sake of privacy I wont mention her name but it was in gym glass where I met her. We both had very outgoing personalities with caused us to naturally gravitate towards each other. Within a week we were inseparable and the same was true 6 years later when we were juniors in high school.
My junior year of high school was marked by a very extreme transition in my life. I guess one could say that high school causes many transitions for everyone involved but mine was a bit different. Junior year is the year that I came out as gay and of course the first person I told was my friend of six years. She accepted me without a problem and encouraged me to be who I wanted to be, as long as it was up to her standards of course…She helped me transform myself from this childish looking teen to a cleaner cut adult man which I will forever be grateful for. However, with every good thing that she seemed to do for me, there was always something negative being said by her when I wasn't around. In this case, she was outing me to people without my permission repeating my personal life story and information to her “friends” in an effort to get them to like her more. To make matters even worse, she told so many people that it had come back to me before she even had a chance to come clean about why she had said.
I have been raised under the idea that forgiveness is key to remaining happy and keeping long lasting friends. While that statement is accurate when both members in any type of relationship put in effort, it is actually quite damaging if the friendship is one sided. In my situation, she felt as if she had the right to say what she had said. She felt no remorse for the fact that my life was forever changed by her decision, and that some people would never treat me the same. But sticking to my false belief that forgiveness would fix everything I let the entire situation go. After little blow out things remained uneasy between for the remainder of the time we were friends. Little things would set either one of us off. There was one point where we stopped speaking for about a week because she read my text messages and didn't like something I had said in a conversation with someone else. Another time we fought because I called her out on making a very poor life decision that she even agreed was bad…she just didn't care who would get hurt because she felt like she would benefit. In this situation se was legitimately willing to hook up with a guy that had a girlfriend and expected me to cheer her on. These little spats of immaturity caused us to beginning to drift apart even though we were spending so much time together.
The climax of the feuds that ended this seemingly eternal friendship couldn't have been caused by anything dumber. One area of my friend’s life that made her extremely insecure was the fact that she drove a really banged up ugly green minivan. Now with her being a teenage girl it is understandable that this wouldn't be a desirable set wheels, and I could see why it made her upset. However, she allowed this to control her life and made it an issue as much as possible. I had been in an extremely bad car accident that caused my car to be totaled. She was indeed concerned about what was going to happen, but she seemed to be more excited that I would probably have to get a beat up used junker car and essentially be in her shoes. Contrary to what she had thought, I purchased myself a brand new Kia Soul with some upgrades. I could understand that if after I had wrecked my car being careless (which i was not), I got a new car handed to me by my parents, that she could be a little agitated. However, I have a steady job that allowed me to purchase a new car and and I am in charge of paying the bill every month. Even with this fact in mind, she still developed an issue. At one point, she had given me a ride and got frustrated at the problems with her car, saying it was trash. All I said was something in agreement and that she deserved something better. Unfortunately, she took this as an insult and because I got a new car, she decided the best thing to do was to disown me because I was stuck up in her eyes.
This was a valuable lesson to me because it showed me that no matter how long you have known someone, you may not see their true colors until much further on. As well, it showed me just how much someone could change in the course of a friendship. Never again will i make the mistake of befriending someone with intense insecurities and possessing a superficial attitude.
Personal Narrative
Everyday something else was wrong about me in her eyes. These “errors” in my personality were always little without a huge production being made out of them, but they were indeed always pointed out. Some saw this as a healthy part of out friendship in that we were being coming better more refined people…except for the fact that I was the only one being “refined”. It took me six entire years to fully realize just how poorly I was being treated and to make changes in my life. here is the story leading up to that.
Six grade was an exciting year for me and I would imagine everyone else making the transition from elementary school to middle school. However, the friends you once had were no longer interesting to you and most naturally expanded their horizons to meet new people. For the sake of privacy I wont mention her name but it was in gym glass where I met her. We both had very outgoing personalities with caused us to naturally gravitate towards each other. Within a week we were inseparable and the same was true 6 years later when we were juniors in high school.
My junior year of high school was marked by a very extreme transition in my life. I guess one could say that high school causes many transitions for everyone involved but mine was a bit different. Junior year is the year that I came out as gay and of course the first person I told was my friend of six years. She accepted me without a problem and encouraged me to be who I wanted to be, as long as it was up to her standards of course…She helped me transform myself from this childish looking teen to a cleaner cut adult man which I will forever be grateful for. However, with every good thing that she seemed to do for me, there was always something negative being said by her when I wasn't around. In this case, she was outing me to people without my permission repeating my personal life story and information to her “friends” in an effort to get them to like her more. To make matters even worse, she told so many people that it had come back to me before she even had a chance to come clean about why she had said.
I have been raised under the idea that forgiveness is key to remaining happy and keeping long lasting friends. While that statement is accurate when both members in any type of relationship put in effort, it is actually quite damaging if the friendship is one sided. In my situation, she felt as if she had the right to say what she had said. She felt no remorse for the fact that my life was forever changed by her decision, and that some people would never treat me the same. But sticking to my false belief that forgiveness would fix everything I let the entire situation go. After little blow out things remained uneasy between for the remainder of the time we were friends. Little things would set either one of us off. There was one point where we stopped speaking for about a week because she read my text messages and didn't like something I had said in a conversation with someone else. Another time we fought because I called her out on making a very poor life decision that she even agreed was bad…she just didn't care who would get hurt because she felt like she would benefit. In this situation se was legitimately willing to hook up with a guy that had a girlfriend and expected me to cheer her on. These little spats of immaturity caused us to beginning to drift apart even though we were spending so much time together.
The climax of the feuds that ended this seemingly eternal friendship couldn't have been caused by anything dumber. One area of my friend’s life that made her extremely insecure was the fact that she drove a really banged up ugly green minivan. Now with her being a teenage girl it is understandable that this wouldn't be a desirable set wheels, and I could see why it made her upset. However, she allowed this to control her life and made it an issue as much as possible. I had been in an extremely bad car accident that caused my car to be totaled. She was indeed concerned about what was going to happen, but she seemed to be more excited that I would probably have to get a beat up used junker car and essentially be in her shoes. Contrary to what she had thought, I purchased myself a brand new Kia Soul with some upgrades. I could understand that if after I had wrecked my car being careless (which i was not), I got a new car handed to me by my parents, that she could be a little agitated. However, I have a steady job that allowed me to purchase a new car and and I am in charge of paying the bill every month. Even with this fact in mind, she still developed an issue. At one point, she had given me a ride and got frustrated at the problems with her car, saying it was trash. All I said was something in agreement and that she deserved something better. Unfortunately, she took this as an insult and because I got a new car, she decided the best thing to do was to disown me because I was stuck up in her eyes.
This was a valuable lesson to me because it showed me that no matter how long you have known someone, you may not see their true colors until much further on. As well, it showed me just how much someone could change in the course of a friendship. Never again will i make the mistake of befriending someone with intense insecurities and possessing a superficial attitude.
How did I get here?
Once upon a time I woke up 6:30…I was proud because I usually don't do that until 7:45. I proceeded to find clothes to wear in the hot mess that is my closet. Upon looking for clothing I realized that I had a detention for being tardy…This was my eleventh detention for tardiness…I am one tardy away from PAS and that is very annoying. While getting ready I contemplated whether or not I would go and get a honey butter chicken biscuit. I decided not to and regretted this decision…because I became hungry. So after deciding not to get a honey butter chicken biscuit I proceeded to iron my clothes. While doing this my mom’s fiancee’s needy dog kept trying to get me to play with him by throwing his chicken chew toy and I proceeded to cuss him out. He went away. I was once again happy. After ironing my clothes I took a shower. I was required by the laws of black people to perform my five step hair process. I would like to clarify that I am not indeed a pure bred but a hybrid between black and white. However, I must perform spirituals so that my hair does not become a nappy mess. After my shower I brushed my teeth and fixed my hair. I was indeed fifteen minutes late to my tardy detention because of my hair. I really hate my hair. So I got in my little rat car (Kia Soul) and buzzed to school. I almost ran a red light because my speakers light up and it was distracting me. After I arrived at the school I proceeded to crawl under the fence so that i could get to the entrance quicker. Since I was already 15 minutes late I felt I should put some effort into getting to the class… so I briskly walked through the library up to the detention room. While there I sat and worked on an email to the housing office at one of the universities I was considering. Those jerks denied my request to live off campus and I was getting a little rowdy because of it. After my detention I got my schedule and saw a coworker of mine. I work at the Starbucks in target if anybody was wondering. We proceeded to exchange an awkward head nod. He is really awkward and I still am not entirely sure what his name is. I felt bad but then I got over it. Next I marched to statistics. There is a kid in there who constantly wears the orthopedic mandals (Ugly sandals for men) and it agitates me. Anyway, after that class I came here.
The end.
Once upon a time I woke up 6:30…I was proud because I usually don't do that until 7:45. I proceeded to find clothes to wear in the hot mess that is my closet. Upon looking for clothing I realized that I had a detention for being tardy…This was my eleventh detention for tardiness…I am one tardy away from PAS and that is very annoying. While getting ready I contemplated whether or not I would go and get a honey butter chicken biscuit. I decided not to and regretted this decision…because I became hungry. So after deciding not to get a honey butter chicken biscuit I proceeded to iron my clothes. While doing this my mom’s fiancee’s needy dog kept trying to get me to play with him by throwing his chicken chew toy and I proceeded to cuss him out. He went away. I was once again happy. After ironing my clothes I took a shower. I was required by the laws of black people to perform my five step hair process. I would like to clarify that I am not indeed a pure bred but a hybrid between black and white. However, I must perform spirituals so that my hair does not become a nappy mess. After my shower I brushed my teeth and fixed my hair. I was indeed fifteen minutes late to my tardy detention because of my hair. I really hate my hair. So I got in my little rat car (Kia Soul) and buzzed to school. I almost ran a red light because my speakers light up and it was distracting me. After I arrived at the school I proceeded to crawl under the fence so that i could get to the entrance quicker. Since I was already 15 minutes late I felt I should put some effort into getting to the class… so I briskly walked through the library up to the detention room. While there I sat and worked on an email to the housing office at one of the universities I was considering. Those jerks denied my request to live off campus and I was getting a little rowdy because of it. After my detention I got my schedule and saw a coworker of mine. I work at the Starbucks in target if anybody was wondering. We proceeded to exchange an awkward head nod. He is really awkward and I still am not entirely sure what his name is. I felt bad but then I got over it. Next I marched to statistics. There is a kid in there who constantly wears the orthopedic mandals (Ugly sandals for men) and it agitates me. Anyway, after that class I came here.
The end.
Dysfunctional
(Character: Mandy DeLano, Ben DeLano, Jax, Horhay.)
(Opening scene starts out with Mandy watching the real housewives of Atlanta, eating some old chinese food that she found. She mumbles to herself (as she is eating) about how ratchet they all are and, how she is a better hoe than all of them combined Ben just walks in from being of town and sees that the house is a mess…he is furious).
Ben: Mandy…Why is there stuff all over the walls and a dead animal on the floor?
Mandy: Listen boo thang, I dont understand what your problem is…I’m a princess and that means we don't clean…we have people to that for us.
Ben: Seriously? (angrily)
Mandy: Yes(ssss) sir! you think that the woman in the house is gonna have to do all the work? Boy you are lucky to have me.
Ben: Okay i have had it with you and your attitude. (Raising his voice) You're a lazy good for nothing hoe that just sits around and does absolutely nothing with her life other than take my money. You think just because you got with me during my ugly days that i owe you something? yeah right! Now its to the point where I can drop your dumb A** and get somebody who actually values me. Im telling you now I want you out if you're not willing to be a good wife to me.
(Mandy runs out of her house to her friend Jax's house to seek comfort after her fight with ben.)
Jax: Honey it sounds like he is right. Like i love you and all but you really need to be a better wife. No man wants to come home to a messy house that they didn't even create and have to clean it up.
Mandy: He could have hired somebody!
Jax: Oh good lord woman how much money do you think he has. You two have a nice size apartment in new york city…that aint cheap…and he does provide you with a lot.
Mandy: Im his (using finger quotation marks) Princess so therefore i expect him to treat me as such. He can clean
Jax: Listen hoe, you are about to throw everything you have away because you are too stuck up to get your act together…you don't have my support on that mindset…grow up.
(Mandy now crying because her best friend called her out runs out of Jax’s house to a bar to drink away her problems.)
(Scene showing mandy drinking so much and becoming wasted to the point she befriends a hobo outside the bar)
Mandy: (Slurring) Hey you. HOBO…you…are…a HOBO. (hahahahahahahahahahaha).
(The hobo just looks at her.)
Mandy: My boyfriend…he no treats me like princess….What a jerk right!? (hahahahaha)
(Hobo continues blank stare.)
Mandy: Hey HOBO….I need some loving….LOVE ME!!!
(Hobo nods and the proceed to his box where they have relations…)
(The next day Ben decides to visit a therapist/marriage counselor while Mandy is away. the advice was amazing!)
Horhay; So what seems to be the problem with your marriage?
Ben: She just doesn't give a s*** anymore, she thinks she is all that in a bag of chips.
Horhay: Well maybe you should bring her down to earth, I recommend a minimal lifestyle from here on out.
Ben: Can you explain what you mean by that?
Horhay: When women are given an excess of material things, many of them can become as I like to call, basic or formally know as stuck up. If you take away only the essentials for a comfortable life, some women tend to calm down with all their attitude while they may be mad at first, I have seen many overcome their condition.
Ben: Wow that sounds like a great option, I will start right way. Thank you for your help!
Horhay: No problem…Now that will be thirteen hundred dollars. (Smiles).
(Mandy wakes up in the afternoon inside of the hobo’s box dazed and confused. She quickly gets dressed and heads home. Once home she opens the door and is puzzled by the sight.)
Mandy: Why is the furniture gone? What did you do? (raising her voice).
Ben: Our lives have become too excessive so I reduced us to the basics so that we could become closer.
Mandy: (Feeling sorry for what she had done accepts it). Okay fine, I can deal with this. We can work this out. I had an affair though our off confusion and I didn't use protection.
Ben: I was hoping you would say that (Smiles) And I understand your confusion and forgive you. We will get through this.
(Nine months later Mandy is full term with her love child and is at the hospital giving birth to the child. Been agrees to raise it and has even met the hobo that is the biological father to make sure he did not want any visitation rights. Mandy gives birth to a beautiful baby boy…the only problem is…the baby is black…and neither the hobo nor ben are black.)
The End.
(Character: Mandy DeLano, Ben DeLano, Jax, Horhay.)
(Opening scene starts out with Mandy watching the real housewives of Atlanta, eating some old chinese food that she found. She mumbles to herself (as she is eating) about how ratchet they all are and, how she is a better hoe than all of them combined Ben just walks in from being of town and sees that the house is a mess…he is furious).
Ben: Mandy…Why is there stuff all over the walls and a dead animal on the floor?
Mandy: Listen boo thang, I dont understand what your problem is…I’m a princess and that means we don't clean…we have people to that for us.
Ben: Seriously? (angrily)
Mandy: Yes(ssss) sir! you think that the woman in the house is gonna have to do all the work? Boy you are lucky to have me.
Ben: Okay i have had it with you and your attitude. (Raising his voice) You're a lazy good for nothing hoe that just sits around and does absolutely nothing with her life other than take my money. You think just because you got with me during my ugly days that i owe you something? yeah right! Now its to the point where I can drop your dumb A** and get somebody who actually values me. Im telling you now I want you out if you're not willing to be a good wife to me.
(Mandy runs out of her house to her friend Jax's house to seek comfort after her fight with ben.)
Jax: Honey it sounds like he is right. Like i love you and all but you really need to be a better wife. No man wants to come home to a messy house that they didn't even create and have to clean it up.
Mandy: He could have hired somebody!
Jax: Oh good lord woman how much money do you think he has. You two have a nice size apartment in new york city…that aint cheap…and he does provide you with a lot.
Mandy: Im his (using finger quotation marks) Princess so therefore i expect him to treat me as such. He can clean
Jax: Listen hoe, you are about to throw everything you have away because you are too stuck up to get your act together…you don't have my support on that mindset…grow up.
(Mandy now crying because her best friend called her out runs out of Jax’s house to a bar to drink away her problems.)
(Scene showing mandy drinking so much and becoming wasted to the point she befriends a hobo outside the bar)
Mandy: (Slurring) Hey you. HOBO…you…are…a HOBO. (hahahahahahahahahahaha).
(The hobo just looks at her.)
Mandy: My boyfriend…he no treats me like princess….What a jerk right!? (hahahahaha)
(Hobo continues blank stare.)
Mandy: Hey HOBO….I need some loving….LOVE ME!!!
(Hobo nods and the proceed to his box where they have relations…)
(The next day Ben decides to visit a therapist/marriage counselor while Mandy is away. the advice was amazing!)
Horhay; So what seems to be the problem with your marriage?
Ben: She just doesn't give a s*** anymore, she thinks she is all that in a bag of chips.
Horhay: Well maybe you should bring her down to earth, I recommend a minimal lifestyle from here on out.
Ben: Can you explain what you mean by that?
Horhay: When women are given an excess of material things, many of them can become as I like to call, basic or formally know as stuck up. If you take away only the essentials for a comfortable life, some women tend to calm down with all their attitude while they may be mad at first, I have seen many overcome their condition.
Ben: Wow that sounds like a great option, I will start right way. Thank you for your help!
Horhay: No problem…Now that will be thirteen hundred dollars. (Smiles).
(Mandy wakes up in the afternoon inside of the hobo’s box dazed and confused. She quickly gets dressed and heads home. Once home she opens the door and is puzzled by the sight.)
Mandy: Why is the furniture gone? What did you do? (raising her voice).
Ben: Our lives have become too excessive so I reduced us to the basics so that we could become closer.
Mandy: (Feeling sorry for what she had done accepts it). Okay fine, I can deal with this. We can work this out. I had an affair though our off confusion and I didn't use protection.
Ben: I was hoping you would say that (Smiles) And I understand your confusion and forgive you. We will get through this.
(Nine months later Mandy is full term with her love child and is at the hospital giving birth to the child. Been agrees to raise it and has even met the hobo that is the biological father to make sure he did not want any visitation rights. Mandy gives birth to a beautiful baby boy…the only problem is…the baby is black…and neither the hobo nor ben are black.)
The End.
Lady GaGa
So when people call me up on my telephone I tell them that I am kind of busy. l be up in the club sipping on that bub. occasionally drinking a bloody Mary. My former friend with benefits Alejandro finds me and keeps trying to get me to dance with he and his friend Fernando. I said no because I don't want to risk being involved in another bad romance with trashy men worthy of being called swine. You see I do love to just dance but love games are just not something that I’m in to. However, for the sake of not offending anyone I just put on my poker face and began to move. Dancing reminded me of how I’m just a fame monster and that I just live for the applause. Dancing in the dark took me back to a place when I was forced to find my true inner self. The time when I accepted that I was not a judas and that I was born this way. Most of the friends I had during this time in my life did not like the fact that I was a gypsy. I moved around in an effort to keep my aura the way I wanted it. Most people see me as one of those bad kids that just wanted to marry the night and become a government hooker in order to get what I wanted. They didn't understand that living in the dark shadows was me about finding my black jesus and wearing the fashion of his love. This was not anything evil but more of an figurative entity leading me through trials to become a better person. As I returned to a normal state in my life I was completely transformed. I had done my hair, gotten a manicure, whitened my teeth and I was so happy that could die. Shortly after this trial is when I met Alejandro for the first time. Alejandro was very kind to me but left me twisted in the heart. He left me starstruck by his presence and after meeting his boyfriend Fernando he left me heart broken. You see Alejandro was bisexual and led me on multiple times. I thought to myself wen looking at him that “I just want to be the girl under you, that G.U.Y.”. It never came to be though that we were together. So as I come to this club every night with multiple men trying to hit me up…I remember that not even being beautiful and dirty rich can get you everything that you want.
So when people call me up on my telephone I tell them that I am kind of busy. l be up in the club sipping on that bub. occasionally drinking a bloody Mary. My former friend with benefits Alejandro finds me and keeps trying to get me to dance with he and his friend Fernando. I said no because I don't want to risk being involved in another bad romance with trashy men worthy of being called swine. You see I do love to just dance but love games are just not something that I’m in to. However, for the sake of not offending anyone I just put on my poker face and began to move. Dancing reminded me of how I’m just a fame monster and that I just live for the applause. Dancing in the dark took me back to a place when I was forced to find my true inner self. The time when I accepted that I was not a judas and that I was born this way. Most of the friends I had during this time in my life did not like the fact that I was a gypsy. I moved around in an effort to keep my aura the way I wanted it. Most people see me as one of those bad kids that just wanted to marry the night and become a government hooker in order to get what I wanted. They didn't understand that living in the dark shadows was me about finding my black jesus and wearing the fashion of his love. This was not anything evil but more of an figurative entity leading me through trials to become a better person. As I returned to a normal state in my life I was completely transformed. I had done my hair, gotten a manicure, whitened my teeth and I was so happy that could die. Shortly after this trial is when I met Alejandro for the first time. Alejandro was very kind to me but left me twisted in the heart. He left me starstruck by his presence and after meeting his boyfriend Fernando he left me heart broken. You see Alejandro was bisexual and led me on multiple times. I thought to myself wen looking at him that “I just want to be the girl under you, that G.U.Y.”. It never came to be though that we were together. So as I come to this club every night with multiple men trying to hit me up…I remember that not even being beautiful and dirty rich can get you everything that you want.